Shallon, long-time viewer here - your orator skills are enviable, but I'm also thrilled you're blogging again because you are a WRITERRRR so many of these turns of phrase had me howling and I relate so hard.
I've been through this many times, and it's agonising being the polite girl. I'm becoming less tolerant as the years go by, and have more self-compassion than I used to about these situations. I used to think I was so incompetent and pathetic for letting myself be drowned out but I now recognise that many people would feel overwhelmed and go borderline non-verbal when subjected to hours of verbal projectile vomiting.
Now when this happens, instead of fighting for space I don't even want to occupy when I really think about it, I pretty much dissociate 😂 I am quite content with them thinking I'm boring because they didn't show even the slightest curiosity about me, so I respond to them as if they may as well be talking to Dolores Abernathy. And then I find a way to go home. Doesn't look like anything to me 🤷♀️
Having you as the devil on my shoulder all these years has really helped me be more unapologetically me honestly. I'm grateful you create.
You are so sweet thank you for the high praise! It means so much to hear that you think I’m a good writer because I’m genuinely so rusty
Also: Oh my God you hit the nail on the head – fighting for a place I don’t even want to occupy! That’s so it. I don’t need to force interject my opinion or reciprocal story… I just need to back away entirely. And you’re right, who cares if these people think I’m boring? That’s great.
Hopefully they’ll never fucking talk to me again. But what I worry is that they will see me as a compliant audience and actually come back for more!
So that’s why I’m wondering if clipping this so that they actually do think we are rude is in fact the path out of repeating these experiences.
You’re right, and I would also welcome a way out of this. People like this think I’m such chill company and a good listener but that their idea of perfect company is cardboard cutout of a stock image of a smiling woman says way too much about them. Gawwwwd. I would love to hear your thoughts on ways to phrase it or maybe just a way to get them to dig their own grave in the convo, turn the tables to make them the uncomfortable one. The closest I have come to this is simply getting into debate mode about whatever they’re talking about just to be antagonistic but that’s when I’ve been truly fed up
There is a therapeutic connection exercise where you stare into a partner’s eyes, eventually you are looking past their eyes and into their third eye, however when it is a hairy and big lipped man trying to explain something to me then I am done, finished! ☑️
I think if these conversational hostage takers don't have a clue by this point in life, no amount of "stfu" will enlighten them. In fact, they most likely would instantly cast themselves into a poor victim role, imagining that you shut down all of the fascinating thoughts they were so generously trying to share. It's best to just make your polite excuses, get out of there, and minimize any future contact.
I fully agree. So even less reason to suborn them. They're NOT going to change, so why tip toe around their "fragile" ego? Their ego is fine. It will rebound and come back more ridiculous than ever. SAVE OURSELVES.
Side note: Being held hostage in your own body for 7 hours is endurance baby gurl. You are kind because I’m a nice girl and even I would have escaped by hour 3 at least. Asking me to do anything for 7 hours better come with a paycheck because that’s just too much time to be handing out as a favor.
I don’t have a solution or power phrase to use on these soul suckers but I wanted to stop by and say please continue these posts! You are such a fantastic writer and this was so relatable, thought-provoking and insightful that I am dying for more 😍
I have not at all slayed this dragon but the compliment of being told I’m a little alpha makes me want to try and explore what I would do. Can you lie? I have to get an oil change. I need to do literally anything else.
Realistically what I do when I’m talking to someone I genuinely wanna escape I try and figure out what I can learn from them. I feel like every experience and encounter is significant if you try hard enough to think about it. When I’m with someone bugging me I’m even more intrigued by the encounter. Why do I not like them?
For your case it sounds like you had desires for the day and feel disappointed that you used your energy and time on someone else. I can relate to wanting to do something important to you but for what every reason you’re being held hostage in your own body to fulfill what others want you to do.
Nothing would have been wrong with saying, “it was good meeting you, I have been bursting with ideas lately and I need to channel into my work.”
Thats a great idea to say you need to channel something into work. Or even "I have been alive with excitement to get my oil changed so please excuse me" 😂
I also try to learn from people but I find that those who actually have something to impart dont act like this. It's the narcissists, hollow and useless, that have to blather on.
I literally hate getting my oil changed or doing anything car related. I passed a street name that read “Boreland” on my way to the store today and I thought of pulling over to snap a picture and caption it “me when I’m in Les Schwab“ which is like a local company here that works on cars. But, that’s how much I hate doing anything for my car (ITS A MAN JOB but I digress). So, if I am mid conversation and suddenly need to finally get that oil change…. I hate you deeply.
That is very true. The people who can’t sit alone with a single thought and need to fill silence desperately are typically good teachers of how painful the lack of self awareness is.
Makes me wonder about times I didn’t read the room. The thought is so haunting though that my brain refuses to fetch me an example. That might be a top pet peeve for me.
Listen we definitely all have had our rant errors, usually when we’re going through a break up or a friend betrayal where we feel like the victim and we just have to keep scratching that itch. But these are people with no particular axe to grind. They’re like a TV station – one program finishes and the next just automatically starts. They will talk about the weather, their neighbors, that one friend who borrowed a pan and didn’t return it, Trump, dog food – it doesn’t matter.
I know the jabberjaw Jeremiah's debacle all too well. however, since the very beginning of my social interaction I've only been able to come up with one solution and it is to flee wherever the encounter takes place. I might not be socially savvy enough to fight them, not even adroit enough to envision the actual (verbal?) fight. sometimes the best policy is to remove yourself from the equation.
Oh my gosh Shallon, I have been listening to your channel for 8 years love your videos but have never really commented on anything before. But this!!!! I had a friend who I saw 2 days ago that did this to me and was watching your Blake lively video on how to cut off a toxic friend. Uno that scene in the kardashians when khloe was saying to Kris ‘hang on a second let me just find the fucks to give before I hear another one of your stories’ that’s literally what I was telling myself in my brain when I was with this friend. The whole weekend I was driving myself crazy because I was angry at her for even doing this to me she sucked my whole energy and I wasn’t in the mood to hear ANYONE ELSE talk about their to life to me but at the same time I felt so guilty that I wanted to cut her off. This post has calmed me down I feel a little less crazy for being so angry and confused. Love your posts 😭❤️
We are in this together! And yes, I know, the worst part is the RAGE and you find yourself being so sharp and snapping. I've been called out for that harsh tone before but...they didn't hear the 13 other times I used the NICE tone. Its not my fault I had to escalate to be heard. We just need to gird against these people and not even put ourselves in these situations to begin with, tough as that may be.
Hostage taker, here. Not always, but basically since menopause. I’ve worked it out that maybe I was too silent for too long, and unconsciously decided to say whatever the hell I felt like saying - although I do speak only from experience and I have lived a LOT of life. But also, most people are uncomfortable with silence and do little to solve the problem, so I take up the slack. I was trained, early on, to be very good at giving people what they want. However, in my defense, no one that I can recall has ever asked me not to talk. A few have tried to make me feel like crap for being an interruptor. I apologize for that, because I am guilty of it, but out of subject excitement and memory issues, not rudeness.
Writing this, I suddenly realize that I have been waiting, begging, for someone to assertively ask me to talk less. Maybe we were secretly indoctrinated to put politeness over conscience, so no one says what needs to be said? Yet there are the rare few around whom I don’t prattle on, at all. They say, “I appreciate silence” without uttering a word, and silent I am. It’s wonderful. It’s like they are adults who know how to entertain themselves. Sometimes, I think people just want me to entertain them, so I do. And I’m too good at it. It’s second-nature.
Maybe my final answer is … say something, but be decent about it. “Let’s make this a give and take conversation, shall we? What’s something we can both enjoy sharing?” I find that a good person will be grateful or at least respectful. An idiot will be neither. Worry not about the idiots. I say this, hoping I take my own advice. And above all my advice is: Conscience before politeness. Plus, today’s polite is anything but.
Another move if you aren’t trapped at a table or in a car with this person is to VERY ACTIVELY ENGAGE and walk away as YOU are the one doing the talking. I think I’ve talked about this in the shallontourage but this is a skill all good bartenders have. You’re not interrupting their train of thought- your interrupting your own as you’re walking away. “Yes exactly! And that’s why blah blah blah blah blah! Hold on one sec be right back I gotta get more beer.”
LIE. THE ANSWER HERE IS ALWAYS LIE. (Interrupt) “Hang on, I’m so sorry, I’d love to continue this conversation with you but I’ve been having these terrible random onset migraines lately and can’t even focus on anything that’s being said, it’s the worst. Can we put a pin in this and just have some silence before we have to go to XYZ? (Pause for response) oh my gosh thanks so much for understanding!
Then bask in the quiet. It garners sympathy (our most powerful tool) and makes them look like the conversational TERRORISTS they are if they decide to keep speaking while your poor little pitiful self has already said you’re suffering.
Shallon you are a terrific writer yes, and we already know your story-telling is on point. Getting cornered by a loquacious man slaughtering mansplainer .., it’s like being buried alive. So triggering.
For me, committing to a short engagement with some real/artificial constraints to box in the time is the way to go... And I learned that from You! Then, if you're having fun, sure, extend the time but if not you can get outta there. I'm not sure there's a "polite" way to say shut up to someone, and I do think that matters, especially if you've already invested time/work/energy, but plan to minimize the exposure. Also learned this lesson the hard way: I agreed to do a favour for someone and did not realize how big of a commitment it was. As I neared completion of the favour (editing an academic study) after several days & nights of work, I grew very resentful of how much time it took and lowkey blew up on the person, responding that this was really too big of an ask. Now, I had already put in the time and done the work, they wouldn't have been any the wiser if I'd said nothing, and it would have been goodwill/social capital in the bank. But I had to open my mouth, and that was mistake. So I caused a rift, didn't get much recognition or benefit for all the work that went into the favour, and endured several years of a cold shoulder from this person. For what?! The lesson was mine to learn in better assessing favours being asked of me and boundary setting.
Shallon, long-time viewer here - your orator skills are enviable, but I'm also thrilled you're blogging again because you are a WRITERRRR so many of these turns of phrase had me howling and I relate so hard.
I've been through this many times, and it's agonising being the polite girl. I'm becoming less tolerant as the years go by, and have more self-compassion than I used to about these situations. I used to think I was so incompetent and pathetic for letting myself be drowned out but I now recognise that many people would feel overwhelmed and go borderline non-verbal when subjected to hours of verbal projectile vomiting.
Now when this happens, instead of fighting for space I don't even want to occupy when I really think about it, I pretty much dissociate 😂 I am quite content with them thinking I'm boring because they didn't show even the slightest curiosity about me, so I respond to them as if they may as well be talking to Dolores Abernathy. And then I find a way to go home. Doesn't look like anything to me 🤷♀️
Having you as the devil on my shoulder all these years has really helped me be more unapologetically me honestly. I'm grateful you create.
You are so sweet thank you for the high praise! It means so much to hear that you think I’m a good writer because I’m genuinely so rusty
Also: Oh my God you hit the nail on the head – fighting for a place I don’t even want to occupy! That’s so it. I don’t need to force interject my opinion or reciprocal story… I just need to back away entirely. And you’re right, who cares if these people think I’m boring? That’s great.
Hopefully they’ll never fucking talk to me again. But what I worry is that they will see me as a compliant audience and actually come back for more!
So that’s why I’m wondering if clipping this so that they actually do think we are rude is in fact the path out of repeating these experiences.
You’re right, and I would also welcome a way out of this. People like this think I’m such chill company and a good listener but that their idea of perfect company is cardboard cutout of a stock image of a smiling woman says way too much about them. Gawwwwd. I would love to hear your thoughts on ways to phrase it or maybe just a way to get them to dig their own grave in the convo, turn the tables to make them the uncomfortable one. The closest I have come to this is simply getting into debate mode about whatever they’re talking about just to be antagonistic but that’s when I’ve been truly fed up
There is a therapeutic connection exercise where you stare into a partner’s eyes, eventually you are looking past their eyes and into their third eye, however when it is a hairy and big lipped man trying to explain something to me then I am done, finished! ☑️
I think if these conversational hostage takers don't have a clue by this point in life, no amount of "stfu" will enlighten them. In fact, they most likely would instantly cast themselves into a poor victim role, imagining that you shut down all of the fascinating thoughts they were so generously trying to share. It's best to just make your polite excuses, get out of there, and minimize any future contact.
I fully agree. So even less reason to suborn them. They're NOT going to change, so why tip toe around their "fragile" ego? Their ego is fine. It will rebound and come back more ridiculous than ever. SAVE OURSELVES.
Side note: Being held hostage in your own body for 7 hours is endurance baby gurl. You are kind because I’m a nice girl and even I would have escaped by hour 3 at least. Asking me to do anything for 7 hours better come with a paycheck because that’s just too much time to be handing out as a favor.
I don’t have a solution or power phrase to use on these soul suckers but I wanted to stop by and say please continue these posts! You are such a fantastic writer and this was so relatable, thought-provoking and insightful that I am dying for more 😍
Thank you!! Writing again feels like having a nice big stretch after a nap in the sun! Your encouragement means the world.
I have not at all slayed this dragon but the compliment of being told I’m a little alpha makes me want to try and explore what I would do. Can you lie? I have to get an oil change. I need to do literally anything else.
Realistically what I do when I’m talking to someone I genuinely wanna escape I try and figure out what I can learn from them. I feel like every experience and encounter is significant if you try hard enough to think about it. When I’m with someone bugging me I’m even more intrigued by the encounter. Why do I not like them?
For your case it sounds like you had desires for the day and feel disappointed that you used your energy and time on someone else. I can relate to wanting to do something important to you but for what every reason you’re being held hostage in your own body to fulfill what others want you to do.
Nothing would have been wrong with saying, “it was good meeting you, I have been bursting with ideas lately and I need to channel into my work.”
Thats a great idea to say you need to channel something into work. Or even "I have been alive with excitement to get my oil changed so please excuse me" 😂
I also try to learn from people but I find that those who actually have something to impart dont act like this. It's the narcissists, hollow and useless, that have to blather on.
I literally hate getting my oil changed or doing anything car related. I passed a street name that read “Boreland” on my way to the store today and I thought of pulling over to snap a picture and caption it “me when I’m in Les Schwab“ which is like a local company here that works on cars. But, that’s how much I hate doing anything for my car (ITS A MAN JOB but I digress). So, if I am mid conversation and suddenly need to finally get that oil change…. I hate you deeply.
That is very true. The people who can’t sit alone with a single thought and need to fill silence desperately are typically good teachers of how painful the lack of self awareness is.
Makes me wonder about times I didn’t read the room. The thought is so haunting though that my brain refuses to fetch me an example. That might be a top pet peeve for me.
Listen we definitely all have had our rant errors, usually when we’re going through a break up or a friend betrayal where we feel like the victim and we just have to keep scratching that itch. But these are people with no particular axe to grind. They’re like a TV station – one program finishes and the next just automatically starts. They will talk about the weather, their neighbors, that one friend who borrowed a pan and didn’t return it, Trump, dog food – it doesn’t matter.
So no we are NOT like that. 100% bk.
I know the jabberjaw Jeremiah's debacle all too well. however, since the very beginning of my social interaction I've only been able to come up with one solution and it is to flee wherever the encounter takes place. I might not be socially savvy enough to fight them, not even adroit enough to envision the actual (verbal?) fight. sometimes the best policy is to remove yourself from the equation.
Oh my gosh Shallon, I have been listening to your channel for 8 years love your videos but have never really commented on anything before. But this!!!! I had a friend who I saw 2 days ago that did this to me and was watching your Blake lively video on how to cut off a toxic friend. Uno that scene in the kardashians when khloe was saying to Kris ‘hang on a second let me just find the fucks to give before I hear another one of your stories’ that’s literally what I was telling myself in my brain when I was with this friend. The whole weekend I was driving myself crazy because I was angry at her for even doing this to me she sucked my whole energy and I wasn’t in the mood to hear ANYONE ELSE talk about their to life to me but at the same time I felt so guilty that I wanted to cut her off. This post has calmed me down I feel a little less crazy for being so angry and confused. Love your posts 😭❤️
We are in this together! And yes, I know, the worst part is the RAGE and you find yourself being so sharp and snapping. I've been called out for that harsh tone before but...they didn't hear the 13 other times I used the NICE tone. Its not my fault I had to escalate to be heard. We just need to gird against these people and not even put ourselves in these situations to begin with, tough as that may be.
Hostage taker, here. Not always, but basically since menopause. I’ve worked it out that maybe I was too silent for too long, and unconsciously decided to say whatever the hell I felt like saying - although I do speak only from experience and I have lived a LOT of life. But also, most people are uncomfortable with silence and do little to solve the problem, so I take up the slack. I was trained, early on, to be very good at giving people what they want. However, in my defense, no one that I can recall has ever asked me not to talk. A few have tried to make me feel like crap for being an interruptor. I apologize for that, because I am guilty of it, but out of subject excitement and memory issues, not rudeness.
Writing this, I suddenly realize that I have been waiting, begging, for someone to assertively ask me to talk less. Maybe we were secretly indoctrinated to put politeness over conscience, so no one says what needs to be said? Yet there are the rare few around whom I don’t prattle on, at all. They say, “I appreciate silence” without uttering a word, and silent I am. It’s wonderful. It’s like they are adults who know how to entertain themselves. Sometimes, I think people just want me to entertain them, so I do. And I’m too good at it. It’s second-nature.
Maybe my final answer is … say something, but be decent about it. “Let’s make this a give and take conversation, shall we? What’s something we can both enjoy sharing?” I find that a good person will be grateful or at least respectful. An idiot will be neither. Worry not about the idiots. I say this, hoping I take my own advice. And above all my advice is: Conscience before politeness. Plus, today’s polite is anything but.
Another move if you aren’t trapped at a table or in a car with this person is to VERY ACTIVELY ENGAGE and walk away as YOU are the one doing the talking. I think I’ve talked about this in the shallontourage but this is a skill all good bartenders have. You’re not interrupting their train of thought- your interrupting your own as you’re walking away. “Yes exactly! And that’s why blah blah blah blah blah! Hold on one sec be right back I gotta get more beer.”
LIE. THE ANSWER HERE IS ALWAYS LIE. (Interrupt) “Hang on, I’m so sorry, I’d love to continue this conversation with you but I’ve been having these terrible random onset migraines lately and can’t even focus on anything that’s being said, it’s the worst. Can we put a pin in this and just have some silence before we have to go to XYZ? (Pause for response) oh my gosh thanks so much for understanding!
Then bask in the quiet. It garners sympathy (our most powerful tool) and makes them look like the conversational TERRORISTS they are if they decide to keep speaking while your poor little pitiful self has already said you’re suffering.
Shallon you are a terrific writer yes, and we already know your story-telling is on point. Getting cornered by a loquacious man slaughtering mansplainer .., it’s like being buried alive. So triggering.
For me, committing to a short engagement with some real/artificial constraints to box in the time is the way to go... And I learned that from You! Then, if you're having fun, sure, extend the time but if not you can get outta there. I'm not sure there's a "polite" way to say shut up to someone, and I do think that matters, especially if you've already invested time/work/energy, but plan to minimize the exposure. Also learned this lesson the hard way: I agreed to do a favour for someone and did not realize how big of a commitment it was. As I neared completion of the favour (editing an academic study) after several days & nights of work, I grew very resentful of how much time it took and lowkey blew up on the person, responding that this was really too big of an ask. Now, I had already put in the time and done the work, they wouldn't have been any the wiser if I'd said nothing, and it would have been goodwill/social capital in the bank. But I had to open my mouth, and that was mistake. So I caused a rift, didn't get much recognition or benefit for all the work that went into the favour, and endured several years of a cold shoulder from this person. For what?! The lesson was mine to learn in better assessing favours being asked of me and boundary setting.